When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child:
but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
I was incredibly immature when I reached adulthood. I had no concept of “relationship” and what it took to build one. I possessed an absolute lack of reality and what it took to build anything, especially meaningful relationships.
Being born and raised in Los Angeles produced an aura of fantasy and illusion on a daily basis. Don’t get me wrong. I take the blame. I ate from the tree.
I grew up with my own definition of reality: everything I wanted I should have.
I resented my working class father with his Mississippi roots. In my mind, he was out of step with time and the Hollywood lifestyle I imagined myself living. I rebelled against his simplicity and his willingness to accept life as it was delivered to him. I wanted more.
I am not proud of this, but it is the truth, and it must be said.
The horseleach hath two daughters, crying, Give, give.
There are three things that are never satisfied, yea, four things say not,
It is enough: The grave; and the barren womb; the earth that is not filled with water; and the fire that saith not, It is enough.
I learned to take and never be satisfied. I don’t know how I contracted this disease, but it spread throughout my entire body.
The whole head is sick, and the whole heart faint.
From the sole of the foot even unto the head there is no soundness in it;
but wounds, and bruises, and putrifying sores: they have not been closed,
neither bound up, neither mollified with ointment.
Now, I understand the importance of humility. I understand the necessity of brokenness.
If we cannot accept responsibility for our diseases, we cannot be healed of them.
